Steve’s Top 10 Favorite Souls He’s Ever Reaped

Andrew Toney
Aug 23
3 min read

By Steve the Reaper, Dead Inside Co. Employee of the Decade (Self-Appointed)

“People assume reaping souls is all doom, gloom, and unpaid overtime. But every now and then, a job comes along that reminds me why I drag my bony self out of bed, slam back four gallons of haunted espresso, and clock in.”— Steve, Head Reaper, Office of the Dead

1. The HOA President Who Tried to Fine Me

Cause of Death: Tripped over his own perfectly-measured lawn gnome.
Reap Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Steve’s Notes: “He fined a widow for wind chimes. The underworld cheered when this one came in. Bonus points for taking his HOA rulebook with him. I fed it straight to the Hellhounds.”

2. The Vegan CrossFitter (Who Was Also Keto)

Cause of Death: Fell off his paleo soapbox mid-burp.
Reap Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Steve’s Notes: “He spent 27 minutes telling me why his kale was superior. I told him caffeine was superior. He didn’t get it. Now he’s haunting a Dunkin’ Donuts.”

3. The Influencer Who Tried to Negotiate

Cause of Death: Ring light electrocution.
Reap Rating: ⭐⭐⭐
Steve’s Notes: “She offered me ‘exposure’ instead of passage. Sweetheart, I’m the Grim Reaper, not a micro-influencer. Also, no, I don’t do collabs.”

4. The Guy Who Faked His Own Death

Cause of Death: Heart attack during his own funeral.
Reap Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Steve’s Notes: “Watching 200 mourners awkwardly clap mid-eulogy? Peak comedy. The Underworld gave me a bonus scythe polish for this one.”

5. The Conspiracy Theorist

Cause of Death: Aluminum foil-related incident.
Reap Rating: ⭐⭐⭐
Steve’s Notes: “He accused me of working for the lizard people. Buddy, I work for Dead Inside Co. We don’t do reptiles. Too much paperwork.”

6. The Coffee Snob

Cause of Death: Choked on single-origin Ethiopian pour-over.
Reap Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Steve’s Notes: “Kept correcting my pronunciation of ‘Arabica.’ I gave his soul a complimentary Dead Inside Co. mug. It says ‘Sip. Suffer. Repeat.’ Check the shop — $9.99.”

7. The Guy Who Summoned Me on Purpose

Cause of Death: Summoning spell gone wrong.
Reap Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Steve’s Notes: “Big fan of the enthusiasm. Less of a fan of the chalk pentagram made out of expired Pop-Tarts. Souls like this make my job feel… festive.”

8. The HOA Karen (Part Two)

Cause of Death: Passive-aggressive bake sale incident.
Reap Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Steve’s Notes: “Banned Halloween decorations. Guess who has a full-time, all-expenses-paid penthouse in the Lake of Eternal Screams now?”

9. The Guy Who Tried to Bribe Me

Cause of Death: Choked on the cash mid-negotiation.
Reap Rating: ⭐⭐⭐
Steve’s Notes: “First off, sir, bribery’s HR’s department, not mine. Second, paper cuts from flaming currency are brutal.”

10. The Intern Who Printed in Color

Cause of Death: Haunted office printer.
Reap Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Steve’s Notes: “I told him. HR told him. The ghosts in the basement told him. But no, he had to ‘express his creativity.’ Now he expresses it from beyond.”

☠️ Steve’s Final Words

Reaping souls isn’t always glamorous — but it’s never boring. If you want more tales from the Office of the Dead, check out the Dead Inside Co. Blog for exclusive dispatches from my caffeine-stained desk.

And if you want to drink your own coffee like a condemned soul, grab a haunted coffee mug from the Dead Inside Co. Shop. Trust me — it makes Mondays almost tolerable.