Welcome to the Abyss (Please Wipe Your Feet)

By Steve, Your Reluctant Reaper-in-Residence

Oh, look. Another bright-eyed newcomer who thinks clicking on www.deadinsideco.com was a “fun little diversion.” Congratulations, you’ve just signed yourself up for an eternity of poorly lit hallways, the smell of burnt coffee, and me—your least enthusiastic narrator.

Let me be clear: Dead Inside Co. isn’t here to inspire you, uplift you, or give you the kind of “wellness journey” garbage you’d find on some influencer’s blog. No. We exist to remind you that everything ends, your coffee will always be cold, and yes—that meeting could have been an email but now it’s a 3-hour séance instead.

You’ll find mugs here. Not because I care about your hydration, but because they’re the only thing keeping me from hurling my scythe across the office during morning stand-up. Each one is lovingly scrawled with phrases that scream: “I hate my job, but at least the caffeine still works.” Think of them as survival gear for the workplace apocalypse you already live in.

And the blog? Oh, you’re reading it. Lucky you. This is where I dump my weekly rants about corporate hell, HR nightmares, and the tragic comedy of existence. Think of it as therapy, except you don’t get better, and I don’t get paid.

So, welcome. Sit down. Stay a while. Not that you had much choice—the door locked behind you the moment you arrived. You’ll get used to the flickering lights, the passive-aggressive memos from upper management, and my delightful presence breathing down your neck like the grim specter of missed deadlines.

And remember: the only wellness tip I’ll ever give you is this—drink your coffee before the reaper does.

Yours eternally,

Steve

Chief Morale Assassin, Dead Inside Co.